Whispers, lips gently brushing ears
Perhaps a song, if it isn’t too much
Of a cliché.
Pulling close, intertwining fingers
A hand clinging to soft, thick hair, then
An intense look.
Squashing noses into faces
Smiles, closed eyes, a familiar smell
Warmth and comfort.
Colliding limbs, adventurous hands,
Gentle tongues, persistent kisses.
Sighs and murmurs,
Daydreams.
Wasn't sure if this should be 16+ or 18+ but I reckon 16+, let me know if you think otherwise.
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139,477 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Hey there Matt!
Okay, I love the first line, it's enticing and a start that gives me high expectations and I think that's why the next two lines stood out to me.
I like the smooth, more dwelled flow of including this kind of structure of sentence length but the actual content of lines doesn't sound right. It looks a bit out there. I wouldn't agree with Eddie that it looks like a disclaimer, but I would agree that it doesn't work.
I love the shortness and bluntness of this line. The image is still in my head as I'm writing the review. I'm left to picture these wide eyes, yet loving eyes and it's admirably mysterious. I really enjoyed that line! Packed with effect.
Now, for me, I don't think your ending should be altered or changed. This is mostly because I think it's a truly fantastic ending. I love poems with the one word ending that cut that effect and kind of stain the point of the language. I love the idea of the sounds of sighs and murmurs, something easily relatable to and definately wuite vivid. Yet all the narrative lyric seems to be implicit and that's why I like this poem, there's the element of this all going on, but it's amongst the midst. There's the mystery that I fall for.
One suggestion I have though is perhaps making it: "Sighs and silent murmurs," just an idea but I just thought that through and thought YES!
A recomendation might be to change the title to something more captivating, "Night-time" seems a little simplistic and over used.
Hope this helped!
Ben
Silent's right, but there's also a night in the day as there's a day in the night. Are your days darkened, do you dream during the daylight hours and not the night? Maybe there's something else, when you finish the tangles of love and passion you do swirl into a whirlpool of drowsiness. Did you fall after you hit the high?
Your first 3 lines seem more like a disclaimer to me. And I don't understand the title, if it's night-time, you end with day dreams and nothing involving a bed. Or sleep.
Other than that, good job.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.